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  • Writer's pictureWilliam Malpass

Friendly Advice to Help You Fully Enjoy the Rapidly Approaching End Times

Disclaimer: The following blog entry is pure speculation. For entertainment purposes only. The author is NOT a member of a secret society and does NOT possess secret knowledge about the end times. Also, the author enjoys talking about himself in the third person.

Monday, May 14, 2018. That's my guess of the day when Jesus will meet in the air those still living who have trusted in Him for their salvation. That's right—I'm talking about the Rapture, friends!

Climb aboard the Rapture Train!

Skeptics: "Will, the word 'rapture' doesn't even appear in the Bible. 'Rapture' doctrine grew out of misguided Pentecostal practices in the early nineteenth century. Those crazy Left Behind books and movies further popularized this spurious 'rapture' idea. And how did you even come up with May 14, 2018? Stop this irresponsible blog post at once!"

My rebuttal: "Nope. Today is Rapture Discussion Day at THE MAIN THING. So climb aboard the Rapture Train! Woo woo, it's pulling out of the station right now! (And if by crazy Left Behind books and movies you mean crazy good, crazy fun—well, that's one thing.)"

When: Monday, May 14, 2018 is the seventieth anniversary of Israel's reestablishment as a nation after centuries of Diaspora. And seventy (70) is a significant number in Biblical prophecy. The prophet Daniel spoke of 70 weeks of years (490 years), for example. Furthermore, nobody is really going to want to go to work on Monday, May 14, 2018, because they're going to be completely exhausted from all the festivities the previous day. (Click on the underlined link to see for yourself.) For example, did you know May 13, 2018 is International Hummus Day? Sweet! So rather than drag yourself back to the old salt mines for another day of mundane drudgery, come be raptured, right?

How: The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) particle accelerator at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, will complete a major upgrade that Monday morning. When technicians flip the switch ON to test out the upgrade, a multidimensional gateway will rip open in space-time, inverting UP and DOWN, and causing the Earth's crust to flip inside out. It will be noisy. Jesus will pop through the gateway, which will be in the UP direction for everyone on the surface of the Earth (because it's been flipped inside out). Believers will rush to the gateway to meet Jesus in the air. It's gonna be GREAT!

CERN's famous half orb of human awesomeness.

Then what: The technicians testing the LHC will have a complete conniption fit. They'll quickly reposition the switch to the OFF position, closing the multidimensional gateway, and reinverting the Earth's crust. All those left behind (sorry—irresistible) will experience a few moments of disorientation and bad headaches. Since only unbelieving heathens will remain, though, they'll likely attribute the headaches to hangovers from the previous day's partying.

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