• Will Malpass

Hallmark Holidays


Readers, do you recall that my wife is also my editor? There is an important tradition in our family known as Gifting Season. Gifting Season happens annually from just after Thanksgiving until the end of June the following year. As the name suggests, Gifting Season is a period of heightened gift-giving (and appreciative gift-receiving, of course) due to the multitude of extremely important holidays that occur during this period.

  • Christmas

  • Valentine's Day

  • Daughter's Birthday

  • Mother's Birthday

  • Easter

  • Wife's Birthday

  • Mothers' Day

  • Our Anniversary

There are also a few lesser holidays during Gifting Season.

  • My Birthday

  • Memorial Day

  • Fathers' Day

(Editor's note: Will is whining. Don't believe him when he suggests our family doesn't make a big deal about Memorial Day. Oh, and the other days too.)

Readers, I regretfully admit I sometimes get a little cynical about Gifting Season, because I notice many of the holidays during Gifting Season are what I call Hallmark Holidays. "Gosh, Will," you ask. "What do you mean by Hallmark Holidays?" That is a fair question, and I'm going to answer it honestly because you deserve that. But first let me say this next part.

So you know how there's a secret conspiracy between large, multinational petroleum companies to keep us all driving gas-guzzling automobiles? That's caused by BIG OIL. And you know how large, multinational beverage companies keep adjusting the sugar levels and carbonation levels to keep us drinking lots and lots of their products? That's a secret conspiracy led by BIG SODA.

Well, there's also a secret conspiracy to celebrate a bunch of extra holidays with cards and gifts and knickknacks (whatever those are), and that secret conspiracy is run by BIG SENTIMENT. And those extra holidays are what I call Hallmark Holidays. And there's a bunch of them that occur during Gifting Season, friends.

Okay, so I just checked with my editor, and I need to issue a correction, everybody. There is no such thing as a Hallmark Holiday. Furthermore, there is no secret conspiracy to get us to celebrate a bunch of Hallmark Holidays. After all, how could there be a conspiracy when there's no such thing as a Hallmark Holiday in the first place, silly? And finally, what this blog post is really about is a poem I wrote for my wife in honor of the upcoming extremely important holiday Valentine's Day. So here it is:

Roses are red.

Cranberries are tart.

Violets are blue.

You've captured my heart.

Red, white, and rose

Are the colors of wine.

Daily our love grows.

Please be my valentine.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

#Humor

0 views

©2017-20 by Will Malpass.