• Will Malpass

Conspiracy Revealed!

Updated: Sep 5, 2020

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

Joseph Heller, Catch-22

Maybe what I'm about to tell you is true, or maybe it's a completely made-up story. You be the judge.

It's just lately I get the creepy feeling I'm being watched by secret agents of the Illuminati. The Illuminati have been monitoring me ever since I revealed the existence of the Tesla Singularity Generator. (Click the underlined link to read more about the TSG.)

Nikola Tesla left behind quite a few mysterious notebooks and papers.

As you know, Nikola Tesla died in Room 3327 of the New Yorker Hotel in January 1943. Agents of the FBI—including a young J. Edgar Hoover himself—seized his secret notebooks and papers. The FBI turned over 37 boxes of Tesla's scientific papers to MIT researcher John G. Trump who thoroughly examined the contents of all of the boxes. Afterwards, he stated Tesla's papers "were primarily of a speculative, philosophical, and somewhat promotional character." Yeah, sure. After settlement, Tesla's entire estate—including 34 boxes of scientific papers—was shipped to his family home in Belgrade.

Many people believe one of the three missing boxes contained Tesla's notes regarding the creation of a small, stable singularity approximately 1.1 Planck lengths across. The resultant event horizon of a singularity this size would theoretically just about fill a city block.

Fast forward to Roswell, New Mexico in July 1947. When a farmer discovered a "large area of bright wreckage made up of rubber strips, tinfoil, a rather tough paper and sticks...," the Air Force officially described it as the remnants of a damaged weather balloon. But some people claimed it was the broken pieces of an alien spacecraft that could travel faster than light. It was actually neither.

One convenient way to get disk-shaped wreckage is to pass an object through a singularity.

In fact, it was the remaining fragments of an Air Force test model that had been positioned one kilometer downrange from the first experimental TSG at the Groom Lake Test Range in south central Nevada, more than 800 miles away from Roswell. The world's most venerable scientists and mathematicians were gathered to witness the historic, top secret event. For safety, everyone was strapped into heavy-duty bomber chairs anchored deep in reinforced concrete.

No one present was completely certain what would happen when Master Sergeant Kevin Kelly toggled a simple switch to activate the singularity 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 times smaller than the nucleus of a hydrogen atom.

What did happen is the free-standing test model immediately began to accelerate toward the singularity. So did everything else that wasn't firmly secured to Nevada bedrock—including sand, topsoil, vegetation, and air! Witnesses later reported the noise was deafening. As the test model reached the event horizon, its velocity was briefly measured in excess of Mach 17. Then it crossed the event horizon into oblivion. So did an impressive amount of Nevada landscape, until Sergeant Kelly shut down the TSG.

Once the distinguished witnesses had a chance to catch their collective breath (ha—literally), the investigation into what had just happened began in earnest. Ultimately it would take almost 14 months and both of the world's supercomputers to completely categorize the event. Suffice to say, the test model wreckage subsequently discovered at Roswell gave rise to some fascinating conspiracy theories, but was really just a sideshow attraction. Alien spaceships? Ha—as if!

And don't worry about me too much, dear readers. I can easily stay one step ahead of the Illuminati for now. It's just...oh, never mind.

#Humor #CollectingWisdom #TSG

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