• Will Malpass

Street Name Gonculator

Updated: Sep 5


What's a gonculator? Good question. A gonculator is a significant calculating machine that accepts inputs, data, and requirements; uses algorithms, protocols, and processes; and produces outputs, results, and products. (Yes, that's right—a gonculator produces products. Let's move on, shall we?)

A tippy-top secret view inside a gonculator. Do not share with America's enemies!

The term originated from an episode of the iconic 1960's television show Hogan's Heroes. Sergeant Carter wants to catch some rabbits for a delicious rabbit stew. Colonel Hogan gets him to add a bunch of complicated-looking attachments to the rabbit trap he has built. Hogan then convinces Colonel Klink that Carter has constructed a tippy-top secret gonculator, an electronic device that serves a mysterious important purpose.

The Germans can't believe Hogan has gotten his hands on a gonculator!

Nowadays, gonculators are profoundly vital to the activities of many industries and businesses. Take for example the development of master planned communities. How do you suppose they come up with all those fancy street names you come across in those fancy neighborhoods? Answer: the Street Name Gonculator.

Who wouldn't want to live on this beautiful, appropriately-named street?

To see how it works, suppose the developers have named their latest big project Butterfly Garden Estates. This name is input into the Street Name Gonculator, a bunch of knobs are rotated, some switches flipped, and readings taken off of glowing dials. Then the INITIATE button is depressed. If everything is working as it should, the gonculator will output wonderful street names like:

  • Monarch Terrace Drive

  • Rose Papillion Passage

  • Painted Lady Place

However, if the gonculator technicians are having a bad day, they might rotate a knob the wrong direction or flip a switch that shouldn't be flipped. Utter chaos could result. Consider these street names:

  • Bug Boulevard

  • Creepy Caterpillar Courtyard

  • Death's-head Hawkmoth Lane

Folks, the moral of this story is that gonculators are powerful tools for good in our world, but they must be operated by properly-trained, alert and healthy operators. (Yes, that's correct—gonculators must be operated by operators. Let's move on, shall we?)

#TheMainThing #Humor

©2017-20 by Will Malpass.